I am thinking about the directionality of failure this morning. I used to fail down, now I fail up. I wrote about this back in September 2021 and today I revisit it. I almost just reposted what I wrote back then...as it really still speaks to me on a variety of levels...but that would be cheating as I am not the same person as I was back then. See, I am still always looking for short cuts...
And my life, cannot ever be a short cut. I really do want to do the work. Take the long road home. Not take the easiest path. This is what I want out of my life, a full, rich, deep, beautiful life and the only way I know to get there is to fail, up. Constantly.
Today, I am absolutely certain that if I am failing, I am really living. Those days or weeks (never more than that) where I hold the delusional believe that I have it all together, that life and I are on fucking amazing term and I am killing life and success is my new mantra, is exactly when I get walloped good with some new level of failure. Mine or someone else's...it really matters not because a life lived on spiritual principles means that every one is a teacher and I am forever their student.
Today, failure is a lot less demoralizing because I can see where the change needs to happen within myself. And most of the time, I am willing to do it. Hell, I am even happy to do it because I want to be better, be different and more wholly inhabit this life of mine. I want to be the best me I can be, constantly evolving and changing and growing toward the idea that I think God wants me to be. Always open to the fact that God uses failure to let me know that I need to make some changes.
I used to think that failure was proof that I was not worthwhile. My failure or your failure was proof that we were not worthy or good or right or somehow successful at life. Today, I do not see failure that way at all. I see failure as proof that I am really living. I am not playing it safe, I am not saying what is popular or what I think will make me fit in. I am being honest about who I am, how I am doing and who I am showing up as for this most amazing life I have.
So I have learned to see and experience failure as another fucking growth opportunity that is to be embraced and taken in. I still don’t love it when it happens but it doesn’t take me long to get to a new perspective when I can see all that I fail at gives me an opportunity to grow toward my spiritual ideal and then use that knowledge to help someone else who is on the path. And that is the best use of my life, always.
I said to someone today, “success is not the opposite of failure, it is surviving it.”
And that feels pretty right on to me. And so far, in this life of mine, I have survived quite a lot. And that today feels like success, even as I review and relive sometimes my most fucked up failures. Even as I make more mistakes and fail again...and again.
Today, I know that if I am failing, I am really living. And that makes my internal perfectionist totally insane. But today, I kind of like shaking things up a bit, she can handle it. Look at all the shit she has survived and thrived because of so far! And today, I know that whatever I am failing at today, is the building blocks for later success. And that can only rock my world in the best way...even if it feels hard now.
So carry on. Fail up. And enjoy the fucking ride!
