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Flirting with Clues...

So much of a start to love or loving, or desire or wanting starts off with clues.  Someone holds our gaze longer, they smile broadly when we walk into a room, they tend to show up at the gym at the same time as we do, every day.  Now there are totally other possible reasons as to why any of the above happens.  But in the heat of desire and expectation, all the actions of someone we are into get inextricably tied to us and our lives.

We read meaning into everything they do and don’t do.  Emotions run high so there is always this subtext going on in our internal dialogue.  Like everything they say or do becomes the subject of further analysis.

And that is really what flirtation is - a subtle motioning of actions and behaviors that is, by its nature, imbued with meanings....many meanings.  Like it could mean they dig us and it could mean they don’t.  We are never, ever sure.  

And that is where many a love story begins...and ends.  Reading so much meaning into people and their behaviors...usually leads to a rollercoaster ride that ends in either mutual bliss or solitary confusion and loneliness.  And when you begin, you are never, ever sure which place you are going to end up.  It is like jumping on a rollercoaster that is so large, the twists and turns so great and death defying, you cannot see the end of the you are never, ever sure where you will end up.  And if we are honest, we aren’t really sure we are going to like all that is going to happen to you and your nervous system while you buck and toss yourself into oblivion.

So much of what we call attraction and interest is really just contextual.  We put together little hints and weave them into a storyline that suits our motives and desires.  The other person’s truth, is never really known.  I mean until such time as they blurt out their intention, ask you on a date or make some sort of grand gesture...and how often does that happen anymore?

I feel like even after the first date is done and over, we all spend a great deal of time desperately searching for clues in the aftermath.  When she said that nebulous thing, what did it really mean?  When he touched my arm, was that a bid for affection and connection or was it just an error in placement?  Or still worse, or maybe sometimes better, was it a ploy to separate me from my clothing so more carnal desires could be explored?

There is a dance of desire and seduction but so much of what happens occurs on the inside of our minds, all the connecting of things that may or may not have any significance at all.  And it is this flirtation with the meaning of all the clues we line up that leads us either towards or away from love and loving and connection and sex and desire and maybe something that lasts for longer than one night.

It is this flirtation with clues, this subtle dance of meaning hidden under many possible meanings that is both exciting and thrilling and also terrifying and dismal.  I mean, how many of us have spent more time trying to decipher the behavior of another to eek out the meaning we want to be there, or writing narrative to overcome all the encounter lacked but that we so desperately wished was there.

It is in this flirtation with clues that always have more than one meaning that life and love hangs in the balance.  Is this the start of something wonderful?  Or the beginning of something we will wish, in fairly short order, that we never began to begin with.

It always looks good going in...but often it really doesn’t.  We are so busy looking for meaning in things that, in reality, lack meaning that we get lost in all of the flirtatious seeking.  Feeling like we are so wonderful, this other person just HAS to want us.  But in reality, the clues to the contrary were there the entire time, but we were so busy attaching meaning to things that were not actually meaningful...we missed what was really going on.  Like we just completely misread the entire deal from its inception...but, we were so busy attempting to create something out of nothing, that we conned ourselves into deducing things that were actually not really ever there.

We have all been there.  So sure that our feelings are reciprocated.  So sure that our clues add up to what we want.  And once more, it is the lies we tell ourselves to make us feel better, or something, or whatever, that land us in this whole fucking mess, again, still.

It is risky business.  This whole dating and loving and living.  So many things can and do go wrong.  And it warps us, mangles us really, to a place where we may hardly recognize ourselves anymore.  And it is there, where we become unrecognizable to ourselves that we lose sight of all that really matters...that we remain true and honest with ourselves.

In the end, all that is meant for us will come to pass.  And all that isn’t will pass us by.  I myself have been most guilty in my life for pulling things toward me that I KNOW full fucking well don’t serve me.  And even though I may want the clues I see to add up to something greater, I usually know from the outset that all I am really flirting with is another disappointment just waiting to come to full fruition.



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