Freedom vs. Responsibility...

Someone asked me the other day:  Are you chasing freedom or running from responsibility?

Truth?

I have done and do both.  Overall, I am a very responsible person.  My bills are paid, commitments honored.  I can be counted on today, if I say I am going to do it, I almost always do.

Freedom is something that I am not sure I chase so much as I just need.  Too much of anything leaves me feeling depleted, run down and away from myself.  This doesn’t mean that I am not capable of commitment and only want freedom.  I think, for me, commitment has almost always looked like a cessation of freedom for me.  Some of that being my fault in giving away things that were important to me so that I could keep the relationship.  And some of them being requirements of that particular relationship.

I have had one relationship where I was committed and that felt like a freedom.  I was loved and free to be who I was. I was trusted and encouraged to do my own thing.  To spend time with friends, to not be chained to his side.  Trust was fluid and we had a good thing going.  It was the only time I ever felt really seen, adored, appreciated and free to say and do what I needed to do without the constant fear that me being me would end the connection.

Today,  I know that if me being me is going to end the union, it wasn’t much of a union to begin with...I didn’t always know that and then even when I did “know” it, I wasn’t able to act upon that knowledge because I was too afraid to lose what wasn’t really working for me anyway. Not proud of that, just taking my own inventory and holding myself accountable to my previous inability to hold my own center.

What I have come to today is that freedom requires responsibility and being responsible is a fundamental part of being able to enjoy freedom.  I have to be accountable to myself and then to others.  No one is going to sign up, for long, with someone who is irresponsible and unwilling to hold their own in the relationship.  And even if the other person would do that, I don’t want that kind of relationship that is off balance and out of kilter.  So responsibility breeds freedom.

I also tend to be overly responsible, taking on the feelings, tasks and responsibilities of others.  It is easier to just do the things than to hold someone else accountable.  Easier to just do other people’s heavy lifting rather than confront their lack of follow through...but I have come to see this differently as well.  Me not holding someone accountable for THEIR responsibilities is just another way my selfishness, self centeredness and fear operate in interpersonal relationships.  I don’t say anything because I don’t want to rock the boat.  I don’t want to cause hardship or pain or loss.  But me pulling punches when punches are what is needed only allows something that is likely not going to be a going concern to remain when perhaps that hard conversation I avoided would have ended it less painfully and earlier...

I have learned, the hard way, it is my responsibility to do the things that are mine and to politely insist that you do yours.  It is the only way it will all work out over the long term. I can’t be doing my work and your work and building resentments.  That isn’t going to work at all.  Me not holding you accountable only kicks the ending down the street a little, thereby making us both miserable for longer.

I need freedom just as much as I need responsibility.  I just have had a hard time seeing how interrelated they are and how much one requires the other.  I see it now.  I have no need to chase freedom, if I am responsible for myself, freedom is the natural outgrowth of that.  I don’t need to avoid responsibility if it is mine.  What I need to avoid is taking responsibility for your stuff and making it mine.

Relationships only function in a healthy way when they are mutual, responsible, accountable, loving, and kind.  I can’t do your work and you can’t do mine. But we can support each other’s work and be interested in each other’s journeys toward our higher purpose and selves.

I am not sure if I will ever find a person who, not only feels this way, but is also willing to be uncomfortable enough to grow there with another person, but I guess stranger things have happened...

I love freedom and I get to experience it most often when I meet my responsibilities squarely and timely. 

Again, still...