Friends Like Stacy...

If you are lucky you get a few of them in your life.  Friends who love you and show up for you, no matter what.  They call you just because they just have a feeling that something is up with you.  They hang out with you, tell you hard truths and stand by you even when your behavior is quite disgusting.  They spend their entire Sunday afternoon helping you do a hard and thankless task that is dirty and unfun.  And you didn’t even have to ask, they just show up.

For me, that is Stacy.  She is the above person.  And I am so fucking lucky to have her in my life.

Female friendships are tricky. Women are taught from a very early age that other females are competition.  Usually regarding boys and men, like they are some sort of ultimate prize our lives will be gifted with...totally not my experience!  Men have been more like a curse I have been trying to outrun.  I am totally open to the guy who changes all that, but from where I sit, that is becoming less and less something I can believe in.  So from an early age we are set up to covet the things, gifts and talents of our female friends instead of being taught how to support, love and encourage each other.

I had a hard time growing up because I didn’t understand the mean girls stuff.   If I liked you on Tuesday I was still going to like you on Wednesday even when on Tuesday you did some really shitty shit to me and to my own detriment.  I can see how my own codependency really set me up to put up with some awful fucking treatment...for a very long time.

So my life has been littered with false starts in female friendships and a lot of very hard lessons.  But this whole process has refined my selection of female friends and the pay off has been immense.  Today the only women in my life who call themselves my friend are mature, gracious, empathetic, kind and only want what is best for me.  And if I am fucking up, they will all tell me so.

And this is Stacy.  She has walked me through the death of my father, the emptying of my nest, a horrible relationship that I could not shake, bad dating decisions with men (repeatedly), job frustrations and losses.and pretty much every single Friday or Saturday night for the last five years.  And yesterday she just showed up early Sunday morning and helped me complete a task that was hard and terrible.  I cannot put into words how much that meant to me...

She is self possessed, driven but not in a horrible way.  She knows what she wants and while she doubts herself, I have watched her find herself and make decisions that support what she comes to trust is best for her.  I have watched her walk through grief and loss.  I didn’t meet her when she had cancer, but I have walked with her as she recovers from the after effects and struggles to accept the great but challenging life after cancer.  I have watched her stand tall and I have watched her cower.  I have seen her brilliant and shiny, and I have seen her down and out.

I am not sure I have been as good a friend to her as she has been to me...but I know I have tried.  And will continue to try.  I didn’t know it when I met her, but she and me are lifers and I am so fucking grateful...

She is kind, accepting, always working on herself and striving to be better.  She knows who she is and who she is not and doesn’t really seem to spend all that much time worrying about it, unlike me.  She is a great employee, amazing daughter, loving sister and wonderful friend.  She has tons of long lasting friendships and relationships that have been forged over time and run deep.  She is beautiful and fun.  And has been my ride or die the past couple of years and I seriously do not know where I would be or who I would be without her.

She is the first person I want to call when I get good or bad news.  She is the person I want to talk to more than any other person, save my mom.  She has my back, always.  And I know that her love and support of me isn’t something that fluctuates or is subject to the whims of fleeting friendship.  She is just the fucking best and I would not have ever grown into this version of myself without her.

Yesterday she just showed up in my Sunday morning, somehow sensing that I was a bit lost and flailing.  And she walked me through a hard time and task.  She made it fun. And when I got hung up on something stupid and codependent she encouraged me to stop allowing myself to be small and fearful, and to stand my ground.

I try not to think about her imminent move away...because life here without her is going to be weird and hard.  But I want this for her.  I know she is moving into a better and wonderful next chapter of her life.  And I know that I will still be a part of that, it will just be different than it is today.  I will feel all the complex feelings I have about her departure but know that what I want most for her is everything her little heart desires.  And I want to be there for the good times, the hard times, the happy times and the despairing times. Because that is what true friendship is, to join the journey with another to help each other become better versions of ourselves.  True friendship isn’t always a clear and easy path, there must be times when one of you zigs and the other must zag...but the good ones, the true ones, bend when others break.

I fucking love her and all that she is.  My life is better because she is in it.  I am a better version of myself because she is my friend.  My life is enriched because of her presence in my life.  I am lucky because I can say that about a couple of women in my life and it is these friendships that are my lifeline to sanity, joy, stability and growth. Without them I would be someone else, someone less honest, self assured and willing to do the work.

I hope you have a Stacy in your life. I hope you have someone who loves you and supports you no matter what!  And I hope we can all aspire to be more Stacy like in our friendships...

Again, still...