My son was up all night, again. It happens almost every time there is a full moon. It affects both of us, but him most especially. He was just up all night doing whatever fifteen your old boys do all night...which is mostly things that I don’t really want to know anything about.
But because he is who he is, I was up all night also...because he kept coming in and waking me up to tell me various things all night long:
He had a headache.
He heard coyotes.
He didn’t think that he could go to school.
Did I just hear that noise?
Could he bring the other dog out to his room?
Could he make himself macaroni and cheese balls at 4 am?
Could he take a bath (again) at 4 am?
Uncharacteristically, the full moon was not keeping me up. Black out curtains are apparently a good defensive strategy for those of us who are chicken like and gravely affected by the presence or absence of light.
So it was super disruptive all night long...and I am admittedly cranky now. I was tired to begin with and now he is peppering me with questions punctuating my solitary time, my time that I crave and need every morning. So I have been kind of an ass.
I wish I were different. I wish that I were the kind of person who could see that he was making contact with me and that is good and wanted. However, I am some other kind of person who doesn’t want to be interrupted in the morning. I want to drink my cup of coffee in peace, write and wake up to this new day...alone. In quiet.
I also wish that I was the kind of person whose routine could be disrupted and have that be ok. But I am prone to being irritated by disruption and that is not limited to mornings unfortunately. It is times like these that I wonder if I should have been a mother. As I am feeling many things and none of them maternal at this hour of the day. Mostly I feel intruded upon and my sanctuary disturbed which leaves me feeling all around shitty because I didn’t get the quiet down time I desperately need and I also acted like an ass so there is that to deal with also.
It is 4 am and I am already off track...how the fuck does that even happen?? I am pretty sure there are very few other people that are up right now, irritated and already having done damage to their most personal familial relations. FUCK ME!
Now, what I really want to do is just go back to sleep. Just close the laptop, snuggle down and really start the day over. But I can’t. Today I have a crazy busy day and I cannot. Sigh.
So my conclusion for the moment is that my domestic capacity is limited. I do not want to parent at 4 am. I want to write, drink my coffee and sit in the quiet stillness of the full moon. Not be interrupted with a needy teen who is all jacked up and agitated. And I really don’t want to sit with the awful reality of my own intolerance and lack of patience and compassion. I know that I need to go apologize...but that is going to have to wait a few more minutes while I calm myself and finish this not very flattering blog.
My dawning thoughts today are as follows:
Full moons suck
I am a bitch
Teens are irritating
I am tired
I do not know what to do about going into the office since my daughter had to have a COVID test yesterday...they don’t really think she has COVID but they need to rule it out. Can I send my son to school or should we all stay home now? Fuck I do not know.
Is it ok if I just sleep all day and avoid everything?
Deep Sigh...
But I will sweep those thoughts to the side and begin again. Because I owe it to the day and my kid to do a deeper dive and find a way to do this day better...
Full moons are new opportunities
I am bitchy right now, I can decide to change that, so I will
Teens are struggling and doing their best under conditions I only vaguely understand
I am tired. And I can use that information to minimize my overreaction to everything today.
I will pray about the COVID situation and call the school and ask what I should do. Then I will do whatever that is they tell me to do. I will do the same with my office.
It isn’t hard this reorientation but I resist it because there is some part of me that enjoys being irritated...I have no idea why.
So I am going to end this rant (not really a blog today, sorry), I am going to drink my coffee while I am bathed in the beautiful moonlight that shines down, I am going to go sit on my cushion and attempt to contact the Divine within and ask it to give me strength to be the person that I want to be instead of the asshole who showed up in my life today upon awakening. And I am going to endeavor to do this day better...starting right now.
Have a day where you are the center of your life, and be happy even while conditions of your life are not to your liking. Irritation is a privilege of a spoiled, rich life. Gratitude is an action that provides relief and instantly changes my life and attitude for the better. And is always worth the effort. Thanks be to God.
