Gratitude for Forgiveness...

Man, have I needed it in this life! And man, have I had to give it.  And I will jump out in front here and say that both are equally hard to achieve.

I have done some fucked up things.  I have hurt people.  Most of my injuries to others have to do with my selfishness and self centeredness.  Very often, I do not see how I am important in the lives of others, so I make decisions based on this belief that then injures others who actually value my presence in their lives.  I have also done a lot of stupid shit that was just not moral or decent.  And not just when I was drinking and a mess.

Again, selfishness and self centeredness are the culprits every single time.  My needs are just more important than yours, in that moment, and me getting what I want, well, is just what I am going to do.  I have done a lot of work in this area, mostly, because I have had a lot of work to do...

And I have needed a great deal of forgiveness.

But one of the best things about needing forgiveness is that it prepares you for granting it yourself.  If my consumption with self is the cause of my own bad actions, then isn’t it likely, to be what is at the root of other’s misdeeds?

Needing forgiveness is one of the best teachers on how to give forgiveness that I know.  Humbling to need, gracious to give.

I am not sure how often I have actually been forgiven. People are tricky, they tend to protect and lie in order to keep up appearances or shield themselves from more hurt from someone who has injured in the past.  Sometimes, forgiveness is something that is done in fits and starts and is more of a process than an event.  Sometimes, it takes a life time.

I think it takes our lifetimes to forgive our parents for their wrongdoings.  We cannot begin to understand their limitations, traumas and deficiencies until we are ushered through life’s checkpoints ourselves.  One cannot understand what it is like to be a parent, until one actually becomes one.  Then one sees what a hard fucking task that is, and then you begin to see how much your unhealed parts, inadvertently and sadly, create the unhealed parts of the tiny beings that you swore you would never, ever harm.  And then you harm them, over and over again.

I am never sure how much I am actually forgiven for my miscreant ways and how much I am just left.  Either is an appropriate response to misguided behavior.  True healing takes a lot of honesty, a lot of work and a great deal of communication. In today’s world, it is kind of easier to just sideline the person from your life, and move on with licking your wounds.

Forgiveness implies a lasting, more permanent nature to the relationship.  But it isn’t required.  I have had to forgive people that I long ago eradicated from my life. And I am sure that is likely true for me as well.  I am no longer in those people’s lives but they have forgiven me and now live a quite Erin free life.  Happily.

Forgiveness doesn’t mean tolerating unacceptable or abusive behavior.  That is instead a cycle of violence and not true forgiveness.  True forgiveness is like a clear, crystalline pool of water.  Abuse, manipulation, gaslighting and stonewalling are pollutants of that clarifying well.  Sometimes, you are asked to forgive the unforgivable, but implicit in that is forgiving yourself for your own participation in that particular shitshow, and part of healing is leaving that relationship and not selecting another one just like it.

Forgiveness is not assent, not condonation. Forgiveness is a simple acceptance of what occured and then allowing yourself to move forward without the event controlling everything you say and do moving forward. Forgiveness is about getting free.

I am very grateful in my life to have had the opportunity to request forgiveness because it gave me the ingredients to know how to forgive others.  I have watched the way others forgive and have learned from their example.  Sometimes I have learned what not to do, and that too is a good lesson, more painful, but a lesson nonetheless.

Today, I am nursing no long standing grudges.  My resentments are in check for the most part.  I will not say I have none because I know there are narratives that exist just beneath my surface, that for the moment, are in check and stable.  But it only takes a small spark to move that tiny resentful ember into full conflagration.  So I am cautious with my narrative here.

I am grateful I know what to do when provoked, when injured and hurting.  I know how to forgive, I just seem to need more practice in the actual forgiveness process when agitated.  And I think, I am pretty sure, that is just part of living.

Living, by design, teaches us how to forgive by requiring us to need it from others.  We learn by others examples of how to forgive and what to do.  I am not sure I will ever completely learn this multifaceted lesson, but I do feel like I am making progress.

This whole living thing is not easy.  I screw it up a lot.  I do things, mostly out of preoccupation with self, that causes others to be injured.  And, that places me in a position to be hurt and to hurt others, bringing me back around the forgiveness loop one more time.

I used to think forgiveness was a loop, now, instead I see it as a spiral, forever moving me up and away, provided I follow the path and move upwards on my journey towards enlightenment.  And, at least in my experience, I am going to be asked to forgive and to be forgiven a lot on this journey that is my life.  And I am grateful, most of the time, for the never-ending lesson that forgiveness teaches...

Again, still...

I am grateful for

Productive days

Money to pay debts

Being asked to write an article about my dad for the Ojai Valley News

Reading a book about Vietnam and getting more insight into what my dad’s experience was like

Seeing the connective thread that binds us all together

Giving myself some grace about how much people annoy me lately - not all the people, all of the time, but some, often.

Knowing that it isn’t them, it is me and what I can do to change it

Being sober

One day closer to Big Sur trip

Grace

Riley

Logan