Heartbreak...

You know, you think you know something well, and then life comes along and gives you a new and painful lesson on a subject matter you thought you already understood.  I guess I didn’t understand it thoroughly enough for life to let me be.

I feel so lost right now.  Unsure what to do, unsure if what I am doing is what is best for me, for others.  I just feel like everything is failing.  All my living strategies are failing.  No matter what I do, how much I show up, how much I give, how much I try, it is all just a mess.  Again, not my life so much, but the lives of those I love most in this world. And there is nothing I can do to stop the progression.  There is nothing I can do to help or make these other people, that I love, stop hurting themselves and others.  There is nothing I can do.

I fucking hate powerlessness.  I do.  So much.  But I lack power all over the place.  I cannot stop people from dying who are going to die.  I cannot stop the aging process.  I cannot stop my body and mind from atrophying.  I cannot help those who do not want help, or think the help I can offer is stupid or dumb or worthless.  I cannot give mortality to those who just don’t want it, see no value in it and are hellbent on doing whatever the fuck they want to do anyway.  I cannot change others, fuck, I am barely able to change myself.

I am perservering but I don’t want to.  I do not want to get up today.  I do not want to function.  I do not want to do anything productive or helpful.  I just want to languish in my despair and heartbreak.  But, if I am honest, I am terrified that if I give into that feeling, I may not recover.  I may just hit a downward spiral of my own.  I may plummet the way I see others about me plummeting.

I want to run away.  Sell everything and just flee.  I want to shut it all down.  I do not know what to do with this kind of pain.  I do not know how to process it, where to put it when it feels like it is drowning me.  I do not know what to do with myself or anyone else.  I just feel completely and totally lost.

I also do not want to go anywhere.  I don’t want to talk to anyone. I do not know how to share this pain, other than to put it here, in words on a screen which feels way safer than talking to anyone about it.  I feel like all of my life efforts at living have just completely failed.  My relationships?  Failure.  My kids?  I can’t even go there right now, I am so consumed with worry, regret and pain. Work? A total fucking shitshow. I have no purpose.  I have no direction.  I just feel completely totally lost.  And this is not something that I feel very often.  No matter how much shit has gone down in my life previously, I have always known where to go, and what to do.  And now it just seems like all of that was just bullshit.

I know there is solution. I know that things will change.  I know that I have a purpose beyond my usefulness to others.  But I am really not sure what that is right now.  My heart is just broken, and I guess, that is a good thing, I hear that is how the light gets in.  And my heart could use some lightness right now.  I feel heavy and worried and scared and so very, very lost.

I know all the stuff: this too shall pass, trust the process and all that happy horseshit.  That is what it all feels like today.  I just feel scared, alone and unable to find a path forward that I feel sure about.  And I know, when you aren’t sure, the best thing to do is nothing.  So here I am doing nothing.  I am going to try to do the things I normally do today. I am going to try to function, to move forward in my life.  I am going to try to have faith that the very hard boundary I set yesterday was the right thing to do.  I am going to resist my compelling urge to take it all back.  To undo what I did, to capitulate and acquiesce once more.  I know that I cannot help a person who doesn’t want my help. I know I cannot tell someone anything who doesn’t want to hear.  I know that you cannot love someone enough to make them love themselves...I know, I know, I know.

And all this knowledge doesn’t make it easier.  Doesn’t make it less painful. Doesn’t bring me any comfort at all.  I am scared.  I am heartbroken.  And I feel totally and completely powerless to do anything at all to change the present moment into something better, for any of us.

So I write and I pray and I just put one foot in front of the other.  Hoping that not allowing myself to sink into the pit of despair I feel will be ultimately constructive...right now it all just feels hard and terrible.  

Sometimes, I really find myself wondering what is the fucking point?

Again, still...