I have been up since 12:34 am. This doesn’t happen often enough to be a crisis, but my sleep is often interrupted by some sort of internal mechanism in the recesses of my psyche that is stressed about travel. I think that I am so worried that I am going to miss my flight, that my subconscious says the following:
“Ok, we are not going to miss the flight because I am going to ensure that you are up literally hours and hours before you need to be...”
So here I am. 3:08 am. I do not “need” to be up for at least another 45 minutes...but my head and I do not seem to agree about this. So I guess it is what it is.
What is so perplexing to me is that I don’t feel anxious. I am not worried about the flight, TSA, or really anything. I am totally excited to have nothing to do but enjoy Hawaii for the next six days...but somewhere inside me there is someone who exists on a much more neurotic plane (groan).
I feel at peace and cool headed. But the fact that I woke up at 12:34 am and have been unable to go back to sleep belies this calm exterior. Now, as it rapidly approaches the time that I really do need to be up, I am fading. I can feel the fatigue coming on hard...and it blows. I am gonna have to switch over from decaf...
To add insult to insomnia, my dog is snoring laying next to me. The most neurotic border collie that has ever lived, is cuddled up to my suitcase which just last evening caused her to be a complete disaster. SHE is sleeping...I am not. WTF?
The cats and other dogs are also sleeping. The only thing up with me right now are the new neighborhood raccoons...I can hear them doing whatever they do outside, scurrying about. I took some garbage out last night, and one scared me half to death. As an avid animals lover, raccoons are not my favorite...and that is saying something because literally all animals are my favorite...
So now I am dragging you through my sleep deprived drivel. Sorry. I am sure you have better things to do. Well, if you are still reading, I guess not.
What causes me the most stress is that I don’t feel stressed but my current sleeplessness underscoring that particular feeling and belief as an untruth...
How can I feel so at ease and so not be at ease at the same time?
Compartmentalization and disconnection. These are my super powers. I work diligently to keep these fuckers at bay, but here they are, fucking up my sleep and mood yet again.
I guess I have to own that despite my insistence that I am this calm, collected, chill traveler, I am, in fact, not. And I guess I just have to accept that. I mean I am pretty sure that anyone who wakes up five hours earlier than she needs to for a flight cannot use any of the above words to describe herself...
Oh well. One of the benefits of aging is that I am so much more able to readily accept that I am not who I think or always though I am. At least for me, one of the cruel facts of aging is that my ability to deceive myself has sharply declined with the passing years. I “see” me whether I want to or not. And I guess that is just ok. I mean it doesn’t help to pretend not to see anymore than it does to pretend that I am not an anxious traveler. I feel how I feel regardless of all my logic and reasons to the contrary.
So I am going to go make a cup of leaded coffee, meditate and pray that I can get to Hawaii today without being pissy or an asshole. I mean it isn’t everyone else’s fault that I couldn’t sleep, so I am going to try really, really hard to not take it out on the people I love that I am traveling with or anyone else that happens to cross my path today.
I am going to do my best to rise above the fray and be my better self. I will catch up on the sleep when I get there. I mean I literally have nothing to do for the next week. Well, at least until I have to not sleep at my anxiousness about flying home. Geez!
