Intuition...

We always know.  On a cellular level, or spiritual level.  Or something.  The times in my life where I KNEW something was off and proceeded anyway, have fucked me up more times than I would like to admit.  When I have proceeded after intuiting that I should not, I have always paid dearly.  What I have learned is that everything I do after I ignore my intuition is just a negotiation with fear.  And I will always lose that particular negotiation.  Fear will win, because I am the one who invited it in and then negotiated my reality with an entity that frequently and consistently lies to me.

I have a good gut.  This has never been my problem.  What is quite fucked is my head.  The place where I take what I know, and exchange it for what I want.  I want someone to do certain things, even though my intuition and the person’s own track record demonstrates that this particular individual is NEVER going to do what I want, or act the way that I need or really proceed in any kind of fashion that supports me in anyway.  But I want them to...and that has always been the place I exchanged a life sustaining and supporting intuitive thought for a delusional belief in a reality that shall never, ever exist...

So why do I do this?  Trade a more certain reality, to trust myself and my intuitive power for a losing negotiation with fear?  It all has to do with want.  I have wanted so much.  So very much.  Not in terms of wealth or creature comforts (I do not mean to say that I have not chased these things or wanted them but that has not been a driving force in my life, if I have them, great, if I do not, that is fine also). I have wanted emotional things.  I have craved emotional security and love. Things I felt I lacked, or could only be acquired if someone else gave them to me.  But that is not true.  Not true at all.  What I fucked up forever was that I had to find another to give me the things I sought.  It has taken me a very long time to realize that while getting them from another would be lovely, I can just give them to myself, thereby ending the crazy insanity of me chasing after people to give me things that most often they do not have to give...me or anyone else.

Delusion trumps intuition.  Every single mother fucking time.  I want the other person to have the skills, the ability, the capacity so I attempt to front it to them.  That does not work, like at all.  Ever.

But when I trust that vague notion that floats around in my head and lands in my gut that I am engaging with a person who is professing or representing that they have what I am seeking, but I absolutely intuit that they do not, and I proceed anyway, I have just traded surety and security for a risk that is ill-advised, ill timed and just wreaks of bad stuff that is coming, sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly.

It has taken me a long time to trust my gut, for my gut to have the capacity to overrule my head and all its magical thinking that I do way too much of.  I am finally, I think, please God let it be so, capable of turning down another chance to negotiate with fear, and just accept the hard truth that lands always within my gut first then makes its way up to my story manufacturer that is already in process...and shuts that shit DOWN, like fast.

Life has gotten much better when I learned to trust myself and that still quiet voice that has never steered me wrong.  I know truth when I feel it, and it has taken me a very long time to allow what I feel to override what I think.  For me, feelings are not facts but they are more in tune with reality than my mind which is a crazy place to exist often.

I have a choice today: trust my intuition or negotiate with fear.  I mean, not really much of a choice, which is why the fact that I chose to negotiate with fear for decades seems like such a stupid fucking choice today!  But whatever, I am really just glad to have landed here, in this place, where my gut and my head are in so much better alignment than ever before.  It has taken a great deal of work to get me here, but that has absolutely been worth all the effort expended...

Again, still...