Well I am just coming to...
No, I didn’t relapse but the feelings I have after being plagued by this nasty flu, leave me feeling like I just got hit by a Mack truck. I have definitely had benders that knocked me out of commission for days...and so the feeling I have this morning is similar to how I used to wake up after a five day bender.
My head hurts. My back hurts from lying in bed. I feel a not so mild panic about all the things I missed while I was out of service. I need to re-engage with my life, but I still feel shitty and out of it.
Yep, while today I am talking about recovering from the flu, I have said the exact same things about a hangover.
And this is why I hate being sick. I have been super sick in the past but the thought of being down for a day has caused me to find the strength to rally and work and do all the life things required of me, just so I don’t have to feel the familiar pangs of the past.
Being sick is a trigger for me. Reminds me of a person I haven’t been in a really long time. And this is on top of the horrible feelings that just come naturally to someone with the flu.
I am so grateful that this happened over a three day weekend where I could just tap out and rest. Getting sick during the week when I have so much to do, makes me crazy. It is so hard to take care of myself when there are so many people needing me to do and accomplish stuff. I hate letting people down, most especially colleagues or clients. So I while I really missed having a weekend, I am grateful the time I burned was my own and not others.
While I still feel like shit, I am going to try to do the day. Not too much on the calendar and I will reschedule if I have to. But postponing just makes the come back even harder with more to do and that not so great feeling of being compressed.
We will see if I can get through today. I am fine waving the white flag and calling it if I can’t, but I have to try to rally. I just can’t handle being sick in bed another day. Mentally it really fucks me up. I feel all desperate and befuddled and out of control. Just like I used to when I would wake up after a bender. I was going to say spree but that leaves me with a feeling of pleasure and towards the end there was no pleasure left in my debauchery, just misery. Bender is the better word choice.
I am grateful to be feeling slightly better and hopefully I don’t scare clients off today with my “two pack of Marlboro Reds for thirty years” sound today. I can always make another decision. For now, I am going to get up, put some makeup on, brush my teeth and hair and sit with the amazing gratitude I have that this weekend was lost to the flu and not a bender. The feelings may be similar but the after effects are not. Not even close. And I am incredibly grateful that two things that can feel so similar in my head, have very different consequences in my life.