My Own World...

We all create our own, don’t we?  We all harbor our own ports of safety, our own realities and our own existences.  We find our place in this world, and if we can’t, we create our own, or die trying to fit into someone else’s world...

“Had I not created my whole world, I would have certainly died in other people’s...”  Anais Nin

Of course, to some degree we create our outer world too.  Where we work, what we do, where we live, what we spend our time upon.  But it is our inner life that makes the outer one enjoyable, possible and supportive.  Without finding an inner life that is peaceful, loving and kind, none of those things can be found much in the outer world.

Anais Nin said, she had to create an  “atmosphere in which I could breathe, reign, and recreate myself when destroyed by living,.”  I get this.  I feel this intensely now.  The world feels like it is being torn apart.  Our society is crumbling one ridiculous tweet at a time.  We are lost, becoming ever more lost with each passing day.  The masses scrolling through social media as if it contains some sort of salve to heal the world.  It doesn’t, it just continues to inflame, incite and indoctrinate us.  Mostly it keeps us distracted with our own petty agendas and designs, leaving the powers that be free to do as they wish without much resistance.  Or not enough, anyway.

So it is this inner life that saves me daily.  This peaceful resonance that emanates outward, that is keeping me sane and stable.  I do have my moments.  But if I did not have this writing, this practice, this time to ponder things beyond my own individual needs, I would perish in the world about me that I am rapidly disengaging with and wishing to escape from.

It is in this inner place of peace where I too can breathe, reign and recreate myself.   And I feel like I am destroyed by living every single day.  Each day that passes, some new cruelty, some new inability of humanity to be human and kind.  Some new slight, some new threat, it feels to me as if the fall of civilization pushes ever closer to the brink of civil war.  Factions being weaponized into sound bites and positions.  There is a roiling beneath our genteel exterior, and the roiling feels as though it is rising ever quickly.

So I have created this solace, this comfort within myself that is reflected back to me in my home sanctuary.  Where the beings and I practice love and comfort and listening and joy.  We marvel at the ordinary and we muse at the amusing.  There is laughter, and light and a lot of cat fur.  But it is our place that supports our growth, our peace and our solitude.  Without this place, both internal and external, I do not believe I could survive in today’s world...I really don’t.

I understand the world less and less each day.  And so this inner world I have created grows ever more important.  Ever more interesting, deepening and spacious.  It has to be if I am going to spend so much time there.  I get lost in thoughts and dreams and plans in my every day.  Things I want to write, to read, to dream and to see.  I cannot make the world be peaceful, but I can make myself peaceful in the world. And in order to do that, I have to have a supportive external environment, if I am to ever find a similar place within me.

I live in my bubble, not impervious to the slings and arrows of others...but in spite of them.  I have chosen a life of peace and tranquility, and so I must exclude from my inner world all the things that disturb my peace and serenity if I am to have a place to come to when I am disturbed to reflect and retool, to realign myself with the thing that I have decided are important to me. You don’t have to like it and you don’t have to understand.  You are only welcome in this world if I invite you.  It is an invitation only access, and the guest list is short, growing shorter by the day.

I would not survive out there without this inner realm.  I tried, and I almost destroyed myself on the rocky shores of you.  This world I inhabit may not make a lot of sense to you, but it gives my life meaning and support.  It brings me joy and comfort and a great deal of peace, in times of hardship and pain, while also alleviating a great deal of the suffering of my own making.

My salvation strategy today is to retreat into this inner world that makes sense, perhaps, only to me.  I remain ever grateful to have had the causes and conditions to seed this special place within.  I cannot fathom having to start right now to create this inner sanctuary to support my growth and healing in times such as these...This is my own world, a world of my making, where I can find all I need to grow, accommodate, cherish, love, and experience life from a safer distance than at top speed...mired in all the worlds of your creation and demand.

Again, still...