Releasing Urgency...

I was born 23 days late, but ever since then I have been in a hurry.

In fact, I lived that way for so long, I didn’t even realize there was another way to live for a very long time.

Last evening at about 4 pm, I decided to repaint my office.  Something I had been thinking about for awhile but I had been going back and forth about wallpaper or repainting and I just decided, repaint.  And so I went to Ace and got the stuff and began.

I didn’t have any plans last night, so it was a good use of an otherwise free Friday night.

What I noticed was how calm I was.  How unhurried I was about it all.  And I reflected back on all the times in the past where I have painted something and I was just rushing.  Like there was some sort of timetable that I was never going to meet.  And as I was leisurely painting, last evening, I realized that I was not hurried, and then I realized it had been awhile since I felt time’s unremitting pressure.

I think it all started when my dad quickly fell ill and died in the span of a couple of weeks.  Then I needed to go out on disability for my neck and then lost my job because of needing to take a break.  No job = a lot less stress and worry. I think these two things happening in close proximity to each other gave the unintended consequence of giving me permission to slow down.  And yes, I know my slow is other people’s lightning.  But for me, this slowing down has been welcome and needed.

I don’t know why I have always felt so pressured to live at top speed.  I just know I have.  There was always this urgency to everything in my life.  I needed to get it all done and as fast as possible.   I don’t think I realized that I had slowed down until last night when I was just painting and listening to music and was totally calm, not stressed and I felt no urgency whatsoever. I had the entire evening and I was choosing to spend it in the manner I was.  I had nothing but time...

Instead of being my usual highly strung and wired me, I was happy, relaxed and in a good mood. I was even relaxed about all the cats milling about, I didn’t lock them out, I figured if they got paint in their fur, it would be ok.  They were totally interested in what I was doing.  Delilah took a nap on the drop cloth and seemed to be the most content I have seen her in weeks.  All of them were engaged and funny.  And there were no painting/cat related CATastrophes which seems to have defied logic and the odds.  All in all, I now have a repainted office, the cats had a blast and I was relaxed and enjoyed my life on a lovely Friday evening.

Choosing a slower life after years of urgency is kind of a hard downshift.  But I am doing it.  And it feels right and supportive and good.  Could it be that my nervous system has needed 56 years to realize it is safe to turn down the hyper-vigilance and urgency?  Yep.  I think so.  

This urgency and feeling like I needed to HURRY UP, kinda ruined my life a lot of the time.  No matter what I was doing, I always felt the need to get it done so I could move onto the next thing. Thereby robbing me of my ability to actually enjoy what I was doing at the time. I had to hurry and get it done so that I could get onto the next activity, event or thing. Last night was the first time I remember in my life having a task at hand, that I just did and wasn’t worried about the completion time, or hurrying up or anything.  It was so fucking good.  I got done, let the paint dry, took a soak in the hot tub, fed the animals, put the furniture back and then just relaxed.  And it was one of  the best evenings I have spent  with myself in a very long time, perhaps maybe, the first truly non-urgent times of my life.

Not again, still...but now, for the first time, wow.  I guess change does come, just in its own slow, non urgent timing. And I had to do the work of the last 56 years to be ready to manage all this lack of urgency...

And that, of course, is again, still...