Rest the Mind Open...

It is amazing to me how often and habitually I close my mind.  I mean, resting it open feels good and light.  But I find myself, all too frequently, intentionally closing my mind, locking it down and away, in an attempt to solidify my experience.

This week I have not been motivated.  I mean, the weather has sucked and that just steals my energy, it is like all of my usual vitality gets sucked up in some giant rain cloud and then evaporates.  Without the sunshine, I am fucked.

So I have been lazy this week, not really accomplishing much at all and I have been struggling as to whether I should resist my urge to sleep, read, and lounge or just say fuck it and give in.  Never easy for me.  Even when I do give in, there is that incessant chatter in my brain that says, “get up!  Stop this!”

Sometimes I just give my inner thought life the middle finger and continue lounging, but sometimes I am propelled into action because I know the chatter isn’t going to stop and I just don’t want to deal with it.

This week I have been working to rest my mind open.  To not go to those habitual places where I am closed off, slamming shut my mind at the first instance of inner turmoil.  I have tried my best this week to be in a place of “wow, that is an interesting thought, where did it come from and where is it wanting to go?”  I have tried, somewhat successfully, this week, to just remain open to whatever arises and not make too big a deal about it.  Motivation will return, it always does.  And me getting all upset about it not being here this week isn’t really going to help.

Sometimes my ability to follow my thoughts and their popcorn like nature is good and sometimes it isn’t.  It does help regardless of whether I am in that agitated state or a more restful one, to just be curious and open and allow my mind to find that place where it is content not knowing things.  Sometimes this place is easy to get to, and other times, not so much.

I think I know shit.  And often, it is just delusion posing as reality and it will just take some time for my intellect to catch up to my experience...

I can have whatever life I want.  I just have to be willing to do the work to get there.  And if I am not willing to do the work, perhaps, I do not really want the life I say I do...

This week feels like a rut.  But I know there is value in being mired in the rut.  It is familiar, it is a well worn groove in my being and life.  And when I find myself here, berating doesn’t have to be where I go.  I can, instead, rest and open my mind.  To just allow what is to be what it is and move forward one breath and minute at a time.

I have things to do today and I am grateful for them.  I need the push to motivate this week.  Having a place to be and things to do is good for me to hopefully move beyond this sticky feeling of futility...

I am doing my best not to judge, to instead accept and try to be curious about things in the here and now. Motivation and discipline shall return...for now, so it seems, my task is to enjoy the down time and stop being so judgey about it all.

Again, still...