I used to care. I mean a lot. About everything. What I thought, what you thought, what everyone thought that I thought. But I am getting that a privilege of age is that I care less and less. Which feels healthier and not at the same time.
I mean on the healthy side of things, there is not really anything I can do to change what you think or believe. Or notice or see, or are willing to lend support to. I have come this far in my life feeling like I have worked really hard to understand others, but seem to rarely get that in return. My perspective is a bit lost on me...and apparently you.
On the not so healthy side of things, I just find myself caring less and less about others really at all. My world is shrinking and I am actually totally ok with that. It is almost like there is this reclusive gene that has lie dormant for years and has now been activated and is causing this great shift inside me. Not only do I not care what you think so much anymore, I don’t even want most of you around.
What used to be a far and wide orbit in my life, has become very small. Maybe this just happens as we age, as we move closer to death, we care about those we love super hard, and everyone else just isn’t worth the effort. And God, what God thinks about us seems to be much more important. I mean I guess you never really get to know what God thinks of you, but I find myself caring much more about living by spiritual principles and having those match with my conduct and thinking, than being popular or have you think well of me.
I guess in the end, you land where you are supposed to and if that just happens to suck ass, well then, there you are with an ass sucky life.
I have mentioned before that I have felt the whole of my life that I was defending my right to be here, having way too many experiences with people that seemed somewhat hellbent on my ruin. And so it began, this constant and incessant need for me to defend myself, to justify my existence. And I just don’t give two fucks anymore whether you think I should be here, whether I am “doing it right” (whatever the fuck that means). I just care less and less about you: your thoughts, ideas, plans and there is a wild freedom in that. It is also lonely. It sometimes feels like the price to having community is caring in an amount that I don’t possess. So it is like I am always showing up with six tickets for the seven ticket ride.
What is happening could easily be called apathetic. However, I do care about a lot of things, more deeply in fact. My children. My animals. My parents. Certain people (though they are fewer and fewer) who have worked hard to stay in my life. I care about less but the things and people I do care about, I love on a much deeper level than I ever have before.
So there is a shift, a great tidal movement afoot. My life foundation is being shaken up, disturbed and redistributed into what I have no idea...but I can feel it. And it, if I were a betting woman (and I am), will result in a wholesale departure from a great number of conventional things in relatively short order. We shall see...
I am doing my best right now to acknowledge the shift...to not fight it. To not work hard to avoid it and also not run towards it. Instead, to just notice what happens to me along the way, as things are shifting. Allowing for the out of balance feeling to just become normalized and ok. To allow for the “I really don’t know what the fuck is going on” feeling to just be there, to be persistent and to linger as long as it needs to.
There was a time in my life, where I could not have withstood this feeling for one single day. Not for a minute of a day. I would have had to do something to change the way that felt and believe me there are still days that feel like that, and I act out and suffer the consequences of my inability to sit with uncertainty and pain. But today, the shift feels like progress, even if at times it could and likely should be labeled unhealthy. I can see that shifting is something that life requires, relentlessly. I am happier than I have ever been and to some degree that happiness has only been attainable because I care so much less what you think, how you feel and what you want from me.
It sometimes a fine line to walk, to hold on while letting go, ensuring that you are careful and thoughtful and activating spiritual principles while you discern that which needs to be left behind and that which is actually worth the work to hold on to. Knowing always that ultimately your choice will be removed, death taking everything to include our choice in the matter. Which I guess is the ultimate shifting, into what, we shall never know.
I guess when you find yourself in a shift, the best you can do is to give it a nod, and then go on living your life. Trying your best. Giving what you have to give. Loving those who dare to come close and remain. And seeing yourself for who you are while always being willing to acknowledge that you will never be the best version of yourself that you would like to be. While, always, being willing to continue to grow, change and move into whatever you are supposed to be next...
There are many shifts in life...and I have to say that each of them carries with it a powerful, life altering punch. And perhaps that is how you know the shift is operative, so much within changes that the without has no choice but to change right along with you...