Sleeping In...

For over a decade, I got up at 4 am.  Every day, even weekends sometimes because it was just habit.  This isn’t something I necessarily WANTED to do, but the life I led for the last 11 years required me to get up that early so I could have some time to meditate, write, yoga and ease into my day.  For the last two and half years, I had to be at work at 6 am so 4 am was not optional if I wanted any time to myself.  The years before that I had children to get up, get ready and off to school and then a job that was 45 minutes away.  If I didn’t get up early to give myself some time to enjoy my life, then I felt like I missed my life. I was just living and working for others with no real “me” time.

Since I have been out on disability, everything has slowed way the fuck down.  For awhile I was still waking up at 4 am but gradually over the past few months, I have eased into a more reasonable schedule.  Lately, I have been waking up at 6:30 and I feel like I have slept the day away.  Which I know is ridiculous!  But that is what it feels like to die hard 4 am'er.

There was a period in 2022 that I was in a similar situation and I found myself sleeping in for a bit but it didn’t last as I got a job on the East Coast and had to be at work 6 am California time.  I found myself defaulting to a schedule that was more relaxed then too.  It just wasn’t sustainable.

Now, I am not sure where my schedule will go.  Work is something that is kind of on hold for now, until I am released from disability and able to move forward.  I am working on some creative endeavors in my down time, but am limited with how much time I can spend at a desk.  And stress locks my neck up in a very painful way so I am doing my best to avoid stressors as well.

For now, I have the ability to sleep in.  And I am taking advantage of it.  It is nice to have no alarm jarring me awake and into my day.  It is nice to just wake up slowly and easily and allow myself to move into the day in a more relaxed and easy fashion.  I really enjoy the lack of alarm, that was never good for my nervous system.

It is an interesting time, children moving out and away.  Work in hiatus.  Giving me time to grieve all the losses of late.  My sleep seems to be a very active place right now though, dreaming every single night...last night I dreamt of amusement parks and roller coasters - a definite no no in my wakeful life as my neck would be fucked for sure.  But last night as I slept, I was riding all the rides and running around some imaginary amusement park.  Have no idea what that means...”Dreaming about amusement parks often symbolizes a need for fun, excitement, or a break from life's monotony, while also representing the highs and lows of your emotional life.”  Well, that about sums it up.  I could use a little excitement and fun...and definitely have been riding the highs and lows of late.

For now though, since fun and emotional balance appear somewhat out of reach, I am just enjoying sleeping in.  Grateful to have this time to heal and sleep and rest and reorient myself to my life.  Work and child rearing took up so much time and effort and was so stressful, it is nice seeing what my life is like with all this time and much less stress.

Sleeping in allows me to stay up later and go to bed a little later which feels also nice.  My kids used to make so much fun of me for going to bed at 8:30 but it was the only thing I could do to make the 4 am alarm a little less painful.  Now I am going to bed around 10 pm and that feels so much more grownup!

Interesting time in my life, so much not going on the surface, and so much going on a more cellular and spiritual level.  I guess it is true, still waters run deep.  I have never been this still, so perhaps that is why depth has eluded me.  Regardless, I feel well rested and very grateful that wake ups now come on God’s timing and not by my fucking alarm clock...

Beginning anew, again, still...