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Slingshotting...

This has been how I live life...and honestly, probably the way I will always live my life.  I just launch myself at things, people, jobs, ideas, fuck, pretty much everything.  


I think it all started because I was a child who had ideas about things...so it started because I really had no other ideas about how to get things going.  Then some shit went down and I became supremely fearful.  But I had all this joie de vivre in me that I didn’t know what to do with thus the slingshotting came about.


I would have this immense fear of things.  Intense and overwhelming but I had an equal amount of FOMO so I was in a quandary.  I mean, fear told me to stay put, be quiet and just let it all pass me by.  But that other part of me, was like “FUCK NO!  We are not missing out on this!  Get over yourself! COME ON!” And that version of myself pretty much won out repeatedly.


But I had to have a mechanism to get me going and that is where I became a flinger.  A self propeller.  A female slingshot.  I would pull myself back into myself, gather up all the gumption I could, take aim (sometimes with care and careful calculations, more often, just aiming for a general direction) and fire away.  It has had mixed results.


The process by which I pulled myself back into myself also had varied results.  Sometimes, I was in there running around for years, thinking, feeling, holding court with myself before I would fling myself into whatever situation I was all conflicted about.  However, more often than not, I would just retreat into my interior repeatedly, and then PEW, off I would go.  No more thought attached, just a strong desire to get to where it was that I was aiming for. Never really being sure that once I arrived, that I would actually be happy there. Or welcome.


And so I launched myself into situations, with people, with jobs, with careers, with a great deal of activity.  And my life has, on the whole, been the better for it.  And I am not really trying to change my tendency and default of slingshotting myself into whatever or whoever comes next.  I am kind of always up for the trajectory.


What I am working on currently is why I want to fling myself into that particular fray.  What is causing me to want to do that?  Why do I feel the need or compulsion, because I have both, to fling myself at that particular target?  What do I hope to gain? Or perhaps more importantly, what do I hope to lose?


What I have noticed is that I fling myself at less and less people these days.  What could have been described as a never ending parade of slingshotting earlier in my life, has slowed, just like everything else.  I am more discerning than I used to be.  And I want a lot less people in my life.  I just do not have the energy to involve more people at this time.  I am not saying that I never want anyone new to enter my life, just that I have enough currently and am not out there flinging myself at people to gain more.


But I have been examining this whole slingshotting thing that I do.  And have largely arrived at “this is just how I am” for my efforts.  However, I have also been willing to really look at it.  Where it came from, how it has developed, what it covers up and what it may reveal if I can stop doing it long enough to take notice.


I think it is no accident that I am the Archer on the Zodiac and so of course I have learned to launch myself, fling myself into whatever comes next, it is just my way.  Long ago it was a great methodology for moving myself beyond my fear of you and all that you thought and felt, or didn’t, about me.  Today, I am just reviewing the whole process and seeing if there is anything new I might learn...about me and you and this whole life situation.


And as always, the biggest hiccup to making any real progress in this examination is holding myself back in the sling long enough to evaluate what I am doing and why.  And I am now seeing that perhaps there is a whole other level to which I could live where I spend more time evaluating before I ever crawl up into the sling to begin with...


FUCK! 


WOW! 


Really???


Yep, I could take more time and examine why I need/want to crawl up there to begin with...


That is pretty cool that I have just discovered a way to do this whole thing differently.  I do not have to launch myself all the damn time.  I could consider the launch.  I mean I never want to be like NASA with all their countdowns and shit like that. Way too much involved in that kind of process.  But, perhaps, I could learn to wait, to hold my breath, to slow down the flinging, better evaluate where I would like to go and why.


Slingshotting with discretion...discretionary slingshotting?  Something like that, I will work the terminology out later.  Most important is that I feel today like I have enough of me for me so that age old compulsion to throw myself away or at things or people or whatever, that underlying feeling that I wasn’t even good enough for myself to hold onto has morphed into something new.  I now have enough of me to feel that more often, it is better for me to hold onto me than to waste myself flinging myself all missile like at you.  I finally feel like I have a me that is worth holding onto, instead of losing myself in all the projectiling I did before.  


And that feels like miraculous progress...


Again.


Still.




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