Surrender, Again...

Man I have been here so many times.  At a place where I grapple with the idea that I have power that I simply do not have.  It is kind of amazing how much I can convince myself that I have power that I just don’t.  The power the make other people do what I want them to do. The power to make life bend to my will.  The power to figure out next steps when it isn’t time to know such things.

One of the key pieces to any good surrender is acceptance that I lack power.  And that comes so hard for me.  I have such a strong will.  So delusional in my idea that I can control, manage and will things into existence.  Will people into things I think are good for them.  Will situations into and out of existence in my life.  And I can, I suppose, do a lot of this.  But it never ends very well.  And I do not like who I become in the process...

I hate not having power.  It is one of my least favorite things.  Not a fan at all.  But I am even less of a fan of who I become when I am marshaling all of my will to making shit happen.  I do not like who I become when I am in that take charge kind of way.  I am blind to the feelings and needs of others and totally in service to self.  And I have worked really hard to not live like that anymore.

Right now, my life is fine.  There are certainly some issues, some things that I wish were different, some people who I wish were behaving differently.  But my life, in this moment, is just fine. I have a place to live, food to eat, work to do, money to pay the bills.  I am sober, relatively sane.  I just feel purposeless.  I am no longer needed for day to day parenting.  I cannot work doing what was have done for my career, my neck cannot handle the stress of that and the long hours at my desk.  I am still grieving the loss of my dad which is something that I keep thinking I make more progress on and then I just get emotionally whalloped.

But I do not know what I want.  And that for me is odd.  I have always known what I wanted.  I have known exactly what I want and then set my sights on a goal and didn’t stop until that goal was achieved.  Now, I do not really have any goals.  And the ones I come up with, I am not even sure I want.  I mean, there is a part of me that wants it, but is that just an ego thing?  Do I really want it?  Or is it just something that I say that I want?

In short, I do not know what I want.  And while I would love to be surrendering to some other idea, right now, I have to surrender to the idea that I do not know what the fuck I want to do with myself.  I lack power to make things turn out a certain way.  I lack power to make other people bend to my will.  I don’t even really have any confidence that what I want is good for me or anyone else...

I just have to surrender to the great unknown.  I do not know what I should be doing.  I do not know other’s paths. I do not know, I do not know, I do not know. And while it doesn’t feel like I have ever really been here before, I feel like I am here again anyway.  I do not know what I am doing or why.  I am not sure who I am anymore, if I am not an employee, mother of younger children and as 56 year old woman.

And I guess, I just have to surrender to this place where I have lots of questions, lots of angst and lots of ideas but no clear path forward.  I just feel lost.  And that just has to be ok right now.  And also, if I am honest, I am also kind of bored. Which is usually the time I do something horrible to myself, just to spice things up a bit.  Date a narcissist.  Take a job with a narcissist.  Something with someone who is more than happy to use my talents and then take credit for the things I do, and use me up and then toss me aside.  And I have to see that the fact that I am not doing that right now is a huge win.  And that just has to be enough for today.  I am ok.  I may not be the happiest I have ever been but at least all the narcissists are gone.  And I have a great deal of faith that if I just don’t drink or date someone who is an asshole, or take a job from a narcissist, I will be ok.  I will move past all of this angst I feel and I will find a new purpose.

I am surrendering to the idea that I do not know what comes next.  I do not know.  I don’t know what I want and I do not know how to get there.  I am, once more, in the hall.  And while it is really hellish in the hallway, here I am nonetheless.  And I can surrender to that today.  I do not know what I am doing, or where I am going, or what will happen, or how much I can’t make things happen without exacting a hard costs to people I love, which includes myself.  I am just here today, the weather is shitty so so is my mood.  I am tired. I don’t know what I am doing with myself and that is ok, just for today.  I have enough life and living experience to know that this too shall pass and I will be delivered to another shore of understanding and purpose in God’s time, not mine.

I really don’t want to spend another day on my couch, binge watching TV but that may just be what happens today and I can surrender to that also.  I can’t be a hard charger every single day.  And perhaps, just maybe, there is purpose in rotting for a little bit.  I am gonna have to let you know.

Again, still...