The Free Fall of Loss...

It seems like it is overtaking me lately.  So much going on and so much being removed.  And I know this is all happening according to some Divine plan, and that it is happening as it is supposed to.  That life is not supposed to always feel great, or be positive or awesome.  But I feel like my dad dying and now all this other stuff is also happening and it is creating this feeling of overwhelm and distraction.  So much going on, so very much on so many levels...

And then there are the betrayals.  The fundamental and wholesale betrayal...which brings to light one more time that I place my trust in people who profess to love me but actually I am learning, they kind of hate me.  I am brought close to them for their needs and purposes.  My needs and purposes are not important or valid and I mean absolutely nothing to them.  So very hard to learn again, still.

It leaves me with such vacancy.  And distracts me from feeling the loss of my dad which is the major loss, but all these other lesser losses are piling up and demanding my attention and time.

I guess I am just in free fall.  And the more I struggle against this reality, the harder it is to manage.  I am just going to let go and see what happens.  I know I will be caught.  The pavement coming up hard and fast will not decimate me, it is just part of the fear of the free fall.  Sometimes in life, everything comes crashing down at once.  And it feels like too much but it isn’t.  All we can do is endeavor to do our best each day and move forward with purpose and a renewed commitment to be present for it all.

I have a tendency to want to lean into the painful, to rehash the narratives and not miss one bad feeling I can muster.  I am not sure how productive this is right now.  But sometimes my mind locks in on a hurt and just has to keep returning to it, like your tongue finds the place where the tooth used to be, over and over again, without restraint or release.

For now, I have to realign my purpose.  I do not want to give the job situation/shitshow more than it is due.  I do not want it to cloud the greater loss which is my dad.  It is easy to allow myself to be pulled into the mire on the job front because it feels more productive, there are concrete things to do, to respond to, to not respond to.  Whereas grieving the loss of my dad is so much more nebulous.  What am I supposed to do with all that I feel in his absence?  What the fuck am I supposed to do with all of this?

Free fall, apparently.

I have never wanted to jump out of an airplane...or BASE jump, but it feels like I have just taken on this task.  And it wasn’t so much that I wanted to jump, but more that I was pushed and now am in a free fall I didn’t want.  But I know that isn’t completely true...I always have a part.  And the sooner I get to that and own it, the better off I am.

To be clear, I do not know what I am doing right now.  I am attending to the things I can.  Going to the gym, taking the dog on a walk, having dinner with my mom.   Taking care of my house and animals and kids.  Attending to the work that seems to just be magically appearing in my inbox and texts.  Grateful for the opportunity to be of service and for the income.

I know God is in all of this.  I see it and I feel it.  I am ok.  And this time of free fall loss will come to an end, but not before it teaches me what I am supposed to learn...

So I guess, for today, I am going to do my best to learn it.  To show up and do the stuff in front of me and feel all the feelings that are associated with my life right now.  I have a parachute, and it is in working order.  I am fine and will be fine.  There is no way out of this except through it.  I am grateful for the blissful moments.  For the love I feel from those who are not hollowed out emotional vampires.  All of the narcissists have now been removed from my life, thankfully.  And my only task is to ensure that I put up a good boundary to keep them out and away.  Their absence is one of the biggest blessings, and I feel that acutely as well.  Things always could be worse, they could still be in my life...

I am not sure I ever wanted to learn the lesson of free fall loss, but here we are.  And it is ok, I suppose.  If I stay right here in this moment, I am ok with the air rushing by, I can appreciate the view and landscape even as it flashes past me...life is in session and currently in free fall.  And I am ok within it all.

Again, still...