Three years ago today I launched this website. Three years ago, I took a step towards living my life as authentically as I can. Three years ago I walked through the ashey remnants of the love that I thought would save me, only to find myself standing alone, single, bereft and clueless about what to do with myself.
A lot has happened in the last three years. However, I think the things that remain unchanged are important to note: still single, alone, marginally bereft and still quite clueless as to what I am supposed to do with this person that I am.
Singleness. Seems to be a perpetual state for me. And, unlike three years ago, today I am ok with it. I am happy alone. I am content. I have a full life that is mine. I do what I want, pretty much when I want and for now, it totally works for me. I am not anti-relationship, in fact, relationships are the most important spiritual proving ground for me. The quality of my relationships is the best indicator of my mental health...which is much improved over who I was when I started this whole thing.
Today, I have no relational goals except to keep evolving in the direction of honesty, kindness and authenticity. As someone who spent her life hiding out in relationships with men, only to change them like one changes one’s shoes, when things got hard. It is no accident that my relationships with men have been the carnal ground of change and wonder. It is my life’s work to sort through the past, how it affects my current and do the very hard work to change into someone I respect, admire and love. Not an easy ask when my previous conduct with men was a literal dumpster fire.
Alone. I am so not alone. I am surrounded by animals and people who love me. I might have felt alone three years ago but now I see very clearly that I never even get to pee alone. I have a dog escort for everything I do, regardless of the hour, the day, the week or the year. Two little furry sentries that ensure that my 3 am trips to the john are not without silent ceremony and attendant love. Today, I am so very much not alone.
I am surrounded today by people in my life who are real. People who love me deeply and without reserve. And I love them back the same. There exists a ferocity to the love in my relationships today, that I was never capable of before. People came and went and I was pretty much ok with that. Today, there are people in my life that matter so fucking much that the loss of them would ruin me. Life is not really lived until you wake up one day and find yourself in love with all the people in your world. You love them so much that the thought of losing them takes your breath away. This is real living for me. Being here, loving hard and fast and true. This is good fucking stuff...and if you are in my life today, I don't just care about you, I fucking love you! So know that. Being in my life means loving a lot...and that is the most risky thing I have ever done.
Marginally bereft. This is perhaps a dramatic word choice but applicable all the same. Bereft is usually used in the context of sadness over someone’s death or departure or as a result of lacking something integral. And I say marginally here because I do still feel bereft at his absence. But I have come to find a place for that in my chest, a tender corner that he is neatly tucked away in where it still pains me at times, but only just a little.
I highly recommend time spent being bereft. I would even go so far to say that if you are not bereft about something in your life, you aren’t living all that grand. I need the ache, the pain, the hurt to motivate me. This blog would have never been born without my heart being smashed to bits. I would have never had to write it all down had our love story not taken such a sad departure...and today I have found a place for it to live on, still learning from, still smarting at times, the lessons that were mine in that most important shitshow. That which doesn’t kill you, does make you stronger. I am living proof...and there is also cryking (Crying + hiking) that helped me walk off an old me and discover a new one.
Clueless. Yep, still there. I really have no idea what I am doing but I am having a fucking spectacular time doing whatever it is I am doing. I fucking love this life. All of it. The pain, the heartbreak, the fun, the joy, the work, the boring routines, the raising of teens, the watching of my parents age, I have a ringside seat to life and I am fucking mesmerized. I love it all. Every day. I am just happy to still be here, relatively sane, trying each day to learn a little more about who I am and how I show up. But let me clear up any misconceptions, I have no fucking clue what I am doing. It is often messy, this whole living thing and anyone who knows me knows that I am not a fan of messes, but I am learning. I am learning to live this life right here, messy, upside down, fucked up in oh so many ways and plant my flag right there in the middle of it all and say, “this, this is my one true wild and precious life, this one right here, watch me now!”
And this blog is where I do it, the conscious living. It is here that I put down my private thoughts, pain, joy, incredulity, fear, sorrow, loss, heartbreak, I bring it to you and give it to you as evidence of this life that I live. I am here, living it and it hurts like hell sometimes. But so does yours. And that is the most amazing gift...the sharing of lives lived out loud and unquietly. It has been my pleasure getting to know you through your comments and private messages. You are the motivation to keep going when I think I have nothing to say, or that no one really cares to listen anymore. That is exactly the moment, I get a comment or a question or a thank you, and I know that NRT is my chance to give back. To share who I am in all my fuckedupness so that you may feel comfortable sharing yours as well. And so that we may move fonward (fucking onward) in this life, living large dreams, with big asks. Going for the brass ring and then throwing it aside when we realize that it is only brass and we are seeking gold.
Happy birthday NRT! It is a lot of work trying to get the golden ring, but fuck, it is an amazing ride. Thank you to all who have joined me...we are not done yet. There is more life to be lived...right fucking now! Join me!
