Walking Alone...

If I am honest, it is my preferred way to be.  People are just hard and exacting, and wonderful and loving.  It is the discrepancy and the ever shifting sands of personality that drive me towards a more solo journey.  Always there is an ache for that one who gets you, the one who understands...but so far, anyway, that person is illusive and long absent.

I do not enjoy crowds.  Never have. Even in my drinking heydays I was not a crowd person.  One time on a dance floor, there were so many people, that I was lifted so my feet were not touching the floor.  I panicked.  I got the fuck out of there and vowed to never, ever allow that to happen again.  I haven’t.

I avoid crowds now.  Whenever I travel, I look for the spots where there isn’t another soul.  I move to places away from the masses, the throngs of people.  Away from the cities and all their hustle and bustle.  I guess I have never had a great deal of faith as to crowd filled destinations.  Seems to me, by definition, if everyone else is going there, I absolutely want to be somewhere else!

And so I am.

My travels and every days filled with a mindful intent to avoid all the places people frequent.  My home is a solace for sure.  Very many cats, very few people...

When I hike, I seek to go to places and at times sure to have a dearth of persons.  When I travel, I seek out the places void of others.  When I go on vacation, it is to remote places that are hard to get to and out of the way of the mainstream. I am not sure I have ever been to places no one else has ever been...but I know there are lots of places I have walked alone where very few people have ever been.

I don’t think my way is better than if you are a crowd pleaser.  I sometimes envy those who are content to be amidst the fray.  With each passing year, I retreat into myself and away from others a little more.  Not because I believe myself to be better than anyone else, I just find that I am more content and at peace with my own thoughts rather than the thoughts of others.

And walking alone has given me some wild stories and chance encounters with others who are seeking out the unfamiliar.  Away from the madding throngs of humanity.  One tends to find others of a similar heart and mind.  So the part of the road traveled with another solo sojourner is valued and appreciated but always quite brief.  Each of us being called to return to that solo foray into the unknown.

I think being alone and traveling solo also appeals to me because I like to read and write.  And these are things that can be shared with another, but also are quite well suited to being on your own.

Perhaps it is my terminal uniqueness being expressed in another format.  Perhaps I am just an asshole.  Perhaps I am forever stuck in my own contrariness. Whatever the reason, or explanation, it is truth for me:  if there is a crowd, I really find it taxing and I can’t wait to put some space between me and all the people.

I guess, upon reflection, I really find no joy or comfort in all the places crowds are gathered, the one exception being airports and concerts.  Airports because they are necessary evils and concerts because I will go just about anywhere to hear live music.  So I guess concerts are a different kind of required evil.  And also, I can’t wait to get back to the solitude of my own.  Sometimes in both venues, I go to the bathroom, lock the door and just spend a couple of minutes breathing to regain myself and prepare to re-enter the fray...

I guess that is what my life has become, another journey into seeking and avoiding.  I try to be ok with it all.  To just create peace for myself wherever it is I find myself, but that is not always possible.  And sometimes I am not in the best of moods when all alone either.  But those times are rare and usually only occur when I am overly tired or hungry...

Follow the crowd and you shall see whatever the crowd sees, blaze your own trail and who the fuck knows what will happen.  You might happen upon a beautiful vista reserved only for you, or you might also be lost on a lonely trail no one around to help.  Reminding me, once more, there is always risk in this life.  Walking with the crowd has its own inherent risks and walking alone does as well. I guess, after this reflection, I am content with the vistas I see while solo and the risk has become its own reward...

Again, still...