What I Want - Again, Still...

I figured I should probably write about it so I can refocus myself.  I think we all tend to want a great number of things in this life.  Most people I know are blessed enough to have all the main needs in this life met.  This is not so for so many.  So I feel a little bit like a shit for writing about how I have all those things, and now I want more.  But I do.  I guess you will draw your own conclusions.

Another innate blessing in my life is that I love the people in my life.  I love my family, my friends, my work people, my community.  I have no issues with the folks in my life.  I am surrounded by loving, peaceful, caring individuals.  So again, when I start talking about what I lack currently, I do want you to know that I do see how very blessed I am...and I am still the asshole that wants more.

I do not want someone to grow old with...I mean, if that happens, fine.  What I really want, at least right now, is someone to go experience life with.  Someone to travel with, adventure, camp, and live life to the fullest with...I do not want someone to crawl into bed with every single night and watch TV.  The thought of that makes me want to run away.  Far, far away.  I want someone to just live with and go do things. That is what I think I miss most of all.  That idea of having someone to share all the amazing things I do, with.

I want to go on mad cap adventures, not dates.  I do not want a Louis Vuitton bag.  I want a Camper Van and a tank of gas.  I want someone to lie in a field of flowers with and take silly videos and photos with.  I want someone who wants to find all the covered bridges on the West Coast and then make our way East.  I want someone who wants to go to Iceland with me, and make love under the Northern Lights.  I want someone who would think it a grand adventure to free ourselves from everything non-essential and just take off to parts unknown.  Not forever, but for bouts that get longer and longer as our responsibilities fade.

This is what I want.  I do not want a live in person who shares my hum drum everyday life.  I want a travel companion who is up for adventure, scenery and seeing this amazing world before we destroy it.

I don’t know if it is too much to ask, I mean, I do not have it so, perhaps it is.  Perhaps this is not the level I am supposed to reach.  And while there is a part of me that longs for someone to hike, camp and travel with, I am content doing that on my own.  Totally.

I leave next week for an epic road trip North all the way to Canada.  I am so excited.  There is nothing like a road trip that gets me feeling like life has meaning and purpose and enough excitement to keep me interested.

Maybe what I want isn’t so much someone to do this with, as I want the ability to do it more and more often.  I do not plan on sitting still for long.  The last couple of years I have been so very happy being at home with my family and friends and then taking off for grand adventures.  But I am always so grateful to return home to where I know a belong.  To a life I have curated to fit me exactly.  My home, my pets, my family, my friends, my gym, my meetings.  There is nothing like leaving home, but there is an equal wonderfulness to returning home after seeing sights that remind you that life has depth and weight and beauty.  So very much beauty. And that life matches the beauty and grace found in new locales.

I may never get what I want.  And I suppose one of these days, I might just stop trying.  But today, in the here and now, I will not give up the idea that maybe there is a weirdo out there for me who wants to live camper van life and travel the globe.  Living life one spectacular moment at a time.  Forever.

And if that person never arrives, I promise I will be that weirdo out there doing it solo.  It calls me and I know I must answer.  I am not a good stay putter.  But I have learned to become a good returner.

Again, still.