Dating and relating frequently baffles me. I have been a poor judge of boundaries and what I want and then figuring out how to go about getting that. I have a tendency to lead with the physical for several reasons. It is easier than being emotionally vulnerable and it is important to me. Like a lot. Having that physical attraction thing is super important to me, like always has been. And so perhaps I tend to be heavy handed when it comes to that when dating or relating.
Other things are important as well...trust. That is a huge factor. Liking them as a person. Having things in common. Being able to hold and maintain a dialogue about things other than sex and fun, also pretty critical.
Three things are most important to me in every dating or love interaction:
Chemistry
Connection
Communication
And I have learned, the hard way, that if you don’t have all three or at least be moving in the direction of all three, the encounter is pretty much doomed.
Too much chemistry and not enough communication and connection, it is just sex. And not really good sex at that. Good sex is born of intimate connection and communication. There has to be authenticity and vulnerability that comes along with all the sex, otherwise, you are really just putting parts here or there.
Too much connection without any chemistry results in friendship. Which is not a bad thing at all. I wish I would have known this earlier in my life, or been able to respect it. I wouldn’t have allowed certain relationships to go where they did. We were good friends, had a good time together, but there was little to no passion for each other. And that I have learned is super important to me. Sex without passion is also just putting parts here or there. And the pleasure factor decreases immensely when it is just sex for sex sakes, rather than a loving, intimate connection with someone you genuinely enjoy being with...and who feels the same way about you.
Any of the above without the ability for two people (or more - no judgment) to communicate makes the whole thing a fucking nightmare. Being able to relate what you like, what you don’t, how you feel, and why you feel that way is super important. Like critical. No relationship can survive an inability to communicate effectively. You can have all the chemistry and connection in the world, but without a method for being able to communicate thoughts, feelings and to have the other person not only hear you but be willing to do the uncomfortable work of communicating with you about their thoughts and feelings and needs, the relationship will burn itself out and down.
Being a divorce lawyer for all these years, I have sat at love’s demise. I have seen the fiery, intense lessons in chemistry that probably should have stopped at a one or two night stand. They went on to be marriages that are fucking ruinous. I have seen the very loving connection with people who can communicate and talk and relate but have absolutely mismatched or completely misaligned sexual needs and desires. The love is there, the communication is there but when it comes to passion, there just isn’t any. And in my experience, human beings need passion, some to a greater or lesser degree, but we all fucking need it on some level, at some time.
And I have seen the great communicators with amazing sex but the connection on other levels is just missing. One person needs things from the other person that are just not possible to give. They can talk, they can fuck but at the end of the day, whatever it is that binds people together is just missing. A true interest in who this other person, what makes them tick, is just very painfully absent.
All of the above end in some sort of marital or relational demise. Almost without exception - the only difference being the time it takes to get there. Some are there two days after it begins, and for others it takes decades.
So when you begin a new relationship, what do you lead with? Sex? Connection? Communication? Because to me it seems a delicate balancing act. Too much sex too soon, inhibits connection and communication. Too much connection without enough sex and communication finds you in the friend zone. And too much communication and connection without sex seems to similarly inhibit sex.
I have spent my life thinking there was some kind of recipe or the like, some magical pattern that if performed correctly, one achieves relational nirvana. However, I don’t believe that anymore. I think it has to be a God thing. I mean for two people to meet in this life and to have that union of souls produce a powerful sexual connection that allows for the growth and maintenance of a loving connection while being able to talk about how all of the above makes them feel, not feel or fear is nothing less than a fucking miracle.
I know we all think we have that magic combo, until we don’t. And all of us, every single person I know, has been absolutely delusional about it all. More than once. And yes, I am speaking from experience.
So what to lead with? I haven’t a fucking clue. There are some people in my life that light me up sexually and there is just no getting around that. Then there are other people who I can spend days talking to and having fun with but I am not interested in sleeping with them at all. And I know one thing for sure, I am not in charge of any of it. I do not decide to have sexual chemistry with someone any more than I can decide to have a good, intimate conversation with someone. Or anymore than I can have a smashing good time with someone. It is just there or it isn’t. I can definitely do things to make any of the above worse or better, but I cannot create the fire, or the burning, or the love or the like. It is just something that grows into being all on its own.
And for as long as I live, I will never understand it.
But I am learning. I think, and the jury is still totally out on this one, that I am just supposed to show up to whatever lands in my life with being my best, truest self. To be honest, open and real. To be wiling to be vulnerable, and authentic while being fucking brave to own all that is mine and to stand sentry while this other person does the same. Creating a safe space for intimate connection to grow. And that can only happen when I am wiling to do the hard work of communicating all that I usually feel I should check at the door.
I cannot be cute about it. I cannot be coy or plotting. I just have to trust that which manifests for me, or doesn’t. I am not in charge and neither is the other person. And I think that is what I have missed all these years. I am always going to lead with the wrong thing because I am going to be bent in a direction for outcomes. And that places both of us, or all of us in some cases, off to a bad start.
So what to lead with?
I am thinking, feeling and believing that God must be the leader on matters of the heart, the soul and the body. Because I have tried it all the other ways and while I have had some pretty amazing connections (sexual and otherwise) I have been unable to sustain my own interest, my own back and my own voice far too often. So for me, the most, best thing I can do is to trust whatever Divinity exists in this world to guide me where I am supposed to go and then go there with all my heart, my body mind and soul.
Again.
Still.
