A Case for Bluntness...

I am kinda a weird cat on the whole honesty thing.  I tend to say exactly what I think or feel without thought, or I hold it all back, like some sort of internal Hoover Dam and not tell a soul what I think or feel.  I am working on it...

I am blunt though.  I don’t mean cruel or exacting but I tend to give you my opinion without a great deal of regard as to how it lands in you.  It isn’t that I do not care, I do, and if I had another way to communicate that felt authentic, I would.  Sometimes, I feel like I have to let the words fly, lest they stay internal and cut me to shreds.  Like the words and ideas, feelings and thoughts are sharp within me and it is somehow, upon exiting me, that they soften to bluntness. The act of speaking is what makes them less sharp and cutting.  If I have a thought or idea, and it is allowed to remain solely within my interiority, it is like shrapnel that just can’t find an exit.  It pings and pongs all around inside me.  But if I just speak that thought or idea or truth, then it finds its exit and I am spared...unfortunately, a great deal of the time you are not.

I could blame it on being a Sag.  We are known for our bluntness and kind of fuck it attitude.  And I suppose that could be the reason.  However, I am not really sure that completely covers it.

I suppose it doesn’t really matter.  I am aware of my tendency to be short, blunt and to the point.  I know it has caused problems in my life, that I, at times, lack tack and compassion.  It isn’t intentional.  It isn’t like I consider your feelings, and then discard them.  I don’t do that, ever.  I just am humming along in my life, you say something and I respond, without thinking. And we are off...

I know often I get bogged down in details of factual accuracy.  Like it is important to me that I said this and then you said that.  And when you fail to follow the discursive trajectory correctly, I feel an immediate need to correct the record.  Having a good memory for the way things happen doesn’t help.  Being a lawyer makes it even more likely to occur.

I think, and am pretty sure, that I just value truth.  Not that I am always truthful which is just another facet of my weird ass personality:  I value truth and honesty and bluntness but I am not always truthful.  Mostly I lie when I do not want to share how I feel.  This is probably the hardest thing for me about social situations, that somehow in the social contract, there is this expectation that we are honest with each other all the time.  And while I do not want to lie, I do not always want to share what I think or feel.  I seem to need or want to hold it all back, for further ruminating on my part, before I let you in on the issue we are having that you do not know we are having quite yet.  I know, I know, it is an issue.

And it isn’t an issue because I hold it back, it becomes an issue because I leave you out of the conversation.  And then, when I get around to being ready to let you in on the argument, already in progress, too much time has passed and now it feels weird or odd to bring it up. So I hold it back and then, well, then that becomes an issue because I do this often enough to accumulate a lot of baggage!  And then you are horrified when one day I can’t manage my luggage anymore and it springs open at the most inopportune time.

This has happened more times than I can count.  So much so that I have created a new rule for myself:  If I think I should just keep that little tid bit for myself, I have to say something right away and if I think it needs to be said immediately, then I should probably hold it back.  I do not think I will ever get this “right” but it is something I struggle with and work on, daily.  Sometimes hourly.

Bluntness is the result of all of these internal machinations that either leave me offending you or shredding me.  It is a tough balancing act and I fail it far too regularly.

I guess what I want to say, perhaps this is a warning, is that I never intend to be cruel or heartless.  Ever.  It just isn’t how I am.  I never want anyone to feel badly or be left out or feel like they are not liked and valued for their unique contributions.  Sometimes, I just can’t seem to honor all of that and speak at the same time...

I am working on it.  I am trying to soften my blows and say what is truth but to say it in a way that accounts for your feelings and perspective.  I don’t always hit the intended target.  But please know, that I never intend to be mean.  I always intend to be kind, I just, all too frequently, miss the mark.  Sorry.

Again, still...