Change...

Sometimes it comes in slow rolling waves, and other times it comes in tsunamis.  Lately it has kind of felt like both...

I do not know why I make the assumption that that which exists shall persist, but I do.  I think that my relationships shall remain static.  I think that my feelings won’t change.  I defy aging as if that defiance has the ability to slow the hands of time.  I think that it will all be good here...forever.  Even though I know, from experience, nothing bad or good remains, forever.

I have this idea of permanency that no matter how much life happens to me that it will remain controlled, stable and ok.  And I suppose I need to believe that.  But the very scary truth is that every single day could be my last.  It could be the last one for people I love and cherish.  I have no idea what will happen every single day...not a fucking clue!

I think I need to believe in the fiction that things are semi-permanent, that things that are in play shall remain in play, that life shall continue to move forward per usual...perhaps we all need to believe this in order to not lose our shit on the daily.

I had a dream about my dad the other night and it was weird, but it was nice to see him, experience him, since the dream world and memories are all I have left.  We were traveling together which is something that the two of us did more when I was younger, but we had some good times.  He was a hard man to know, mercurial, changeable and at the very same time, immutable.

I still haven’t quite figured out who I am now that I am fatherless.  So weird to be born into and of this world, and be fathered for 56 years and now to be a father orphan.  It is strange.  And it feels like the universe is removing men from my life and replacing them with women (and cats) at an exponential rate...such a strange time in my life.

Change comes for us all.  Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly, but it always happens whether we like it or not.  Sometimes we get to be the architects of change and sometimes it feels like we are change’s victims.  Regardless, change comes for us...all the time.  I do best when I embrace the change whether I see it coming or it just levels me.  Life is predictably unpredictable...

Again, still...