Speak from a Heart that is Kind and Awake...

This sounds like it should be easy.  It isn’t.  At least not for me.  And I have no issue with the kindness part of it.  I, in general, am a kind, compassionate person.  This is not to say that I cannot also be a selfish asshole at times.  So the kindness piece is not hard.  It isn’t kindness, so why is wakefulness such a hard thing?  I mean, it is painful to be awake.  I think this is because, for me, wakefulness requires a certain amount of baring of soul.  A certain level of accountability with myself, you, the world, and God that being numb or checked out does not require. It is, in fact, exactly how painful being awake can be at times that drives us to the compulsion and desire to numb out.  To avoid. To withdraw.  To retreat.

I think it takes a great amount of bravery to stand in your truth. And to do that with kindness and from your heart.  I like to reside in my head, even though it is a liar and an unreliable reporter.  My heart is far more kind and real, but it has allowed some pretty tragic things to occur because my heart is tender and delicate.  So, my head, very frequently feels like the better option...at least that is what it tells me.  My head is LOUD!  My heart much more softer spoken, easily dismissed or over talked.  My head is SURE of many things, whereas my heart harbors doubts and questions and uncertainty.  My heart, while loving and expansive, feels like a much more treacherous place to reside.

And as usual, I have gotten it wrong.  Relied upon the wrong organ for the task at hand, this living task.  Very difficult.  I am turning towards this idea that my head has ruled supreme for 56 years and now, it is time to eject my head from the driver’s seat of my life, and allow my heart to take over...which is terrifying.

My heart is much more reliable, while also being far more delicate and sinewy.  When I think of grey matter that seems far more delicate than the muscle and fiber of a beating, living heart.  The brain so convoluted and twisty.  Never being completely sure the motive, the reason, or the rationale for what it comes up with...I have thought so often that I was taking an action for one reason only to find, much later on, that my mind had a different intent the whole time.

So as we move into 2026, I am going to do my best to change what I think into speaking from a heart that is kind and awake.  I can’t promise stellar results.  But even as I write that I know the effect produced shall be better than what I have been doing all this time.  How can I have been so misguided?  Because I have believed everything I thought, and completely gave a pass to all the lying and controlling that was being promulgated by my mind.

It isn’t only a matter of speaking from a heart that is kind and awake, it is also about living from that space.  To know the entities within you well and as completely as one can.  I do not know how one can ever do this without ample amounts of alone time, prayer and mediation.  Without those, we are lost unto ourselves.  Consumed with the vagaries of life and living. The daily grind, the bottom line, the deadlines and the to do lists.  We are consumed by the very lives we are attempting to live while the process leaves us feeling disconnected, alone and frustrated.

I feel like an aircraft leveling out after a downward spiral.  I feel my nose lifting.  I feel the panic subsiding to all the issues I find with living and loving and showing up.  As I sink from the busy, heated and somewhat insane living I have been doing in my mind, I drift down, like a leaf in the fall, towards my heart and its well of love, understanding, peace and kindness that dwells right there in the middle of my chest.

So today, and for all the days hereafter, I shall endeavor to speak and live with a heart that is kind and awake.  And I understand that this just might be the most painful endeavor I have undertaken, ever.  And today, at least, that is ok.  That is fine.  That feels like progress and good and timely. In fact, it feels like it is right on time.

Again, still...